The Daily Struggle of Respect - Or why belonging is a double-edged sword
If someone honks at you in traffic, or sends you an angry email, or posts something on social media contrary to your political beliefs - what do you do? Being respectful to others is really really hard work, but I would argue that it’s very important that we put in the work if we are serious about contributing to a better society.
I believe that empathetic communication is one of the most important capabilities to teach in this world. It’s really like a new pair of glasses that you can see things through. It’s really amazing. Becoming good at empathetic communication is hard work, and you will never be done with the learning journey, but it’s a fun journey.
2024 is the biggest election year in history according to The Economist (ref). You can enter any social media you want and seek out a political discussion group, or look at what a passionate friend has been posting, or often just open the main feed, and you will see what I describe as the opposite of empathetic communication. It’s often all out anti-empathetic. The “slam you in the head with my views” rhetoric is not successful in convincing people to change their views. So why do people do it? I believe a big reason is to feel belonging. Feeling like you belong is one of the most powerful forces in this world. You can see it everywhere. The trauma of a child where the lack of love from parents didn’t make them feel like they belonged. The gang criminals who from an early age are brought into a feeling of belonging to the gang. The feeling of belonging to a cause linked to immigration, vaccines, keeping dogs on a leash / not on a leash or something else. These are very powerful forces.
Belonging isn’t per definition a bad thing. Quite the opposite. People need to belong just like they need to be loved. Within the field of diversity, equity and inclusion, belonging is increasingly added as a fourth dimension. Unfortunately we as humanity aren't doing a good enough job in enabling people to find belonging in good causes, so the many bad causes like gang violence attract too many people. Even within the neutral to good causes, the strong force of belonging can lead people to mindless belonging where they simply cannot absorb any opposing information for a subconscious fear of their identity of belonging to a cause being under attack.
I believe we need to do a couple of things to raise the level of respect in society and reduce the negative side of belonging.
First, we need to enable everyone to get clear about what values they want to have. Your values, i.e. how you live your life, will be your legacy to society, friends, children etc. Is one of your values to be condescending? If not, don’t be it. At DiscoverYourValues.org you can read more about how to go about getting clear about your values.
Second, we need to educate people on what empathetic communication looks like. The examples of truly empathetic communication in society are so far and few in between so that unfortunately many people aren’t naturally exposed to them. The Nonviolent Communication framework can be a great place to start.
Third, we need to always challenge what we think, say and act. There is a strong anti-empathetic voice inside all of us that wants you to get cynical about the person honking at you in traffic even if the honking may have been the right thing to do. That same voice will trigger you to just “hit back” on social media, or belittle people by pressing the laughing emoji on any statement that opposes your views (😆). You will face many situations every single day where you will struggle to respect other people, but it’s worth the effort.
We need to transform society into a society that promotes respect and empathy, instead of promoting cynical condescending views. A statement often attributed to John Maynard Keynes, is “When my information changes, I change my mind. What do you do?” (ref). This is something we all should be asking ourselves.
So enjoy the daily struggle of respect, and don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you contribute to society by being anti-empathetic, condescending and belittling people. You don’t. Instead, get clear on your values and contribute to society by taking the road less traveled of empathetic communication. It’s such a fun ride.
Thank you 🙏